“Heto na naman ako, tinitignan ‘san nagkamali ang puso ko. Parang walang katapusan, walang katapusan …”
Some days, I have fully convinced myself that I was so over you. That I have finally moved on. That I am ready to start anew.
Some nights, I am so frustrated that I realize how much of a failure I am in trying to move on.
“Paulit-ulit nalang. Paulit-ulit nalang.”
And this night is just one of them.
The only difference is that I no longer want to think of the heart-breaking moments. I no longer want to remember how I thought you broke my heart. I no longer want to feel that I was betrayed.
I was so fixated with my pain that I completely forgot how much of a good person you were.How you made me feel so loved. How you took care of me. How much concern and understanding you put into me. I was so preoccupied with all the negative thoughts I put into my mind. All but a product of my imagination while trying to figure out what went wrong. In the process of trying to find out some answers, I was lost and I made things which were not supposed to be done. I uttered words which were not supposed to be said.
“Kailan ba ang tamang panahon? Kailan ba magkakataon?”
As the days went by, I now came to the point when all I wanted to think of are those moments that I meant to cherish forever with you. The point when I want to continue to fight for my love. Yes, I am still feeling the same way towards you as before. I want to give it a try again. I wanted so much to call you and let you know about all these things. But I am just a coward because my fear is eating me. I fear that if I do, I might be rejected again and I think, being rejected by the person who means so much to me would be another lost phase in my life. I am not really brave enough when it comes to you. It’s such a bittersweet truth that you are my weakness and at the same time my strength. With our situation now, I know it is not very ideal to let you know all these.
I know I already told you that I am looking forward to seeing you once again without hurting. I often think of that now. Knowing you, I am thinking you would be the usual all-smile-friendly person I’ve known. But with all that has happened and all that I’ve said, I don’t know if you even want to see me ever again.
Everything now between us is chaos. But I now want to put things back in order. I don’t know where to start. I don’t how to start. I no longer know what to do. One thing for sure is that I want to let you know how sorry I am.
Sorry for being so mean. Sorry for being so pathetic. Sorry that I thought, I was the only one who was hurt. Sorry that I forgot how much I meant to you. Sorry that I didn’t believe you when you said you were also hurting. Sorry for doubting you. I am sorry for giving up on us. I am sorry for all the drama. There’s so much to be sorry for. So much, when all I wanted to tell you is, I still love you, I will always do.
Whatever happens from this day ’til the day I will see you again, I pray for nothing but the best for you.
We are now fighting our own battles without each other and I am hoping that on the day we get to see each other, we will find time to sit together and talk about how we were able to win our own battles and how we were able to overcome each hurdles on our way, just like the old times.
Until then …
I hope and I will do my best that this would be the last time I would write about you.
I didn’t write in that notebook you gave me yet. Maybe I will do after this. And the message in that notebook meant so much to me that I was able to keep it when all I wanted to do before was to forget you. Reading those again somehow reminded me of about how handsome you are inside and out.