… at 24

The 23rd year has been tough and challenging.

The pain, frustration, and depression were at its prime when this day last year came. Thoughts and extreme emotions mounted. I was having a battle inside me that I think it caused my physical strength to deteriorate. Was treated twice in the hospital for two different reasons. The latter was an eye-opener.

Lying in that hospital bed alone, I decided to let go of all the hurt and pain. I thought I was already dying. Though my health went back to a normal state, the thoughts I had during those times remained with.

Life’s too short to live with hatred and grudges. Forgive although forgetting is not as easy as it seems. When I chose to forgive, it felt better.

I came to realize who really mattered during those times. It’s not that he no longer matters but it’s about knowing where he should be on my list  of priorities. When I decided to accept the fact that it’s over, I realized what I’d been missing all those years that I was fixated with my feelings towards him. Learn to love yourself and don’t lose it in the course of loving somebody else.

Whenever I think about the things I should be doing, settling down is no longer part of it. Not the ‘settling down’ in the sense that I should get married and start my own family. No. The things which are most important right now to me is settling my relationships with people whom I have neglected and whom I’ve been running away. I always let fate take its own course. However, fate doesn’t work on its own. You ought to have the strength and courage to work with fate so you don’t get to be overwhelmed and surprised when fate tells you what’s happening next.

A lot has changed. Most of my perspectives changed. Four years ago, I thought by this time, I am now preparing for a wedding which could have possibly been happening by next year. This thought now makes me shiver. Right now, I don’t see myself preparing for that in the next five or so years to come. I was once asked in an interview how I see myself 5 to 10 years from now and I am glad that finally, I was able to give an answer  that is really true to me. Whenever I answered this question on job interviews, I always find it hard to say something because back then, I really didn’t know what I wanted to do.

If there’s one great thing that came out from all the pain and challenges I had this year, that is knowing myself better. My inner strength didn’t fail me. It never did. It never will. For I know where this strength is coming from. And for it, I thank Thee for never failing to give me strength to get through life’s hurdles.

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